It has been a really long time I haven’t written anything so I am trying my best to get back at it. I can’t say how my writing has become in the past few years, but I do love writing. So first in order is “Happy Dashain" to everybody. I hope everybody is enjoying the celebrations and just the fact that Kathmandu has become cleaner and less crowded(I hoped it lasted). But this festival which basically is celebrated to mark the victory of good over evil got me thinking about the continuous battle we are within ourselves. Trying to have our best and good and suppressing the evil. But isn’t life about accepting your good and evil and making them work, to bring out the best in you?
What is it you see when you look at yourself in the mirror? Do you see the person looking back at you merely as an image, a reflection of who you are or do you see the real/true you?? I was watching this Ted talk video on the art of being yourself where Caroline McHugh talks about the difference between the regular mirror and the true mirror, one in which you find reassurance about yourself and the other you find true revelation and discover yourself. The whole video talks about how you can be yourself, the truest form of who you are and the path of self-discovery. I think this video got me thinking about my truest form. However this blog is not going to be about the video and I am not going to talk about what is in the video. Who am I and who am I striving to be? It is a question we rarely ask ourselves when we get trapped in the regular, normal everyday life, trying to make it through the day, working our way in the hopes of getting success of making sense about the meaning and purpose of our life. We always are told by society to be and act a certain way and in this whole process of being someone, trying to fill in the prescribed roles of how we should be as citizens, as people we forget who we truly are. We are told to behave in a particular manner with different people, in different situations and we start adding on layers of complex personalities that even when people meet us, it is very difficult for them to figure us out. And of course we as humans tend to judge others, watch others and the moves they make and jump into conclusions about each other. And why is it that we are afraid of showing who we truly are? What makes us behave in that way, that tells us not to show our real side? These are the questions that I always ask myself. Why is it that we are scared??
It has been a really long time I haven’t written anything for my blog and I wanted to get back to writing. And as I have previously mentioned, you don't write until and unless something clicks for you. And these moments may come and go, but it solely depends on you; whether you write about it or do anything about it or not. For me, writing has been a way to vent out my feelings, all kinds of feelings and expressing myself. I write when I’m happy, sad, depressed(yes I can be depressed at times too), frustrated, stressed and all of the feelings that exist in the world.
And as of now, I feel all the feelings that do exist, all at once and ever so deeply. I think it could be partly because I just turned 30(mind you 30 is the new 20), and I’m finally moving away from home(after years of my dad wanting me to move out) but it really has got me thinking about how I want my life to proceed from this point on. And the first step I thought is about discovering myself. I have always been a wanderer by heart, I love to travel and to wander. I believe my soul is that of a free bird and that flying too high is never too bad. And every time I travel, I discover more and more about myself. Whether it be how self-destructive I am or how much I like making people happy and trust me I can be both!! When you hit 30, for a woman, more specifically i talk for myself, I looked back at my life and i just thought about how far I have come. I looked at my past, the mistakes i made, the heartbreaks i faced(there were one too many) and the moments of sheer joy and success. I looked at myself in the truest form and believe me there are memories of myself that I absolutely loathed. The naiveness in me, the stubbornness, the annoyingness, the depression, the sadness, the stupidity, the bitchiness you name it; I confess to being all of those things. I accept the worse side of me and I think this acceptance of how destructive and dangerous I could be to myself helped me become a stronger person. And I strongly believe, if we are capable of coming in terms with the negativity within ourselves, we can really work through it and come out stronger than ever. And it is a very challenging and difficult task, not all people can do it instantly and some people need help with it, but nevertheless it is not impossible.
The second thing is when you discover yourself, your negatives and positives and you know yourself inside out, you become more comfortable with who you are and you do not and I emphasise on this specifically YOU DO NOT have to compromise into being someone else other than yourself, or be afraid of showing your truest form. If people cannot accept and handle the true you, I believe they do not deserve the greatness within you. This I realised after finally coming out of a really lengthy, bad relationship where i had to continuously validate my love and faithfulness to my partner and he would keep judging me and dumping me again and again just for the fact that I had a past (well doesn’t everybody??) and he could not accept it. I know, it sounds horrible, but what was more scary was I was trapped into this vicious cycle of breaking up and making up and was blinded by the idea of being in love with this person. And I am an independent, strong, rational woman!! Believe me, I did not expect myself to put up with it and yet it did happen, as it does to any other strong person and it is very normal for this to happen. Trust me even if it does feel like the end of the world, it isn’t. It is just that the person who you thought would love you and cherish you for your truest form isn't worthy of being a part of your life. AND I do not blame him, everybody is their own person, having their own reasons. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, maybe I was too naive but after this toxic relationship ended, I was devastated. Devastated to realise that all of this had come to an end. And trust me, all the people who have felt heartaches know what it feels like. This sudden death feeling where your heart feels like it is being pierced with a drilling machine, where you lose all your senses and stop living a normal life. Everybody has experienced it. The anxiety, the insomnia, the diet loss, everybody has seen it happen to themselves and to the people around them. But when you come out of all of this craziness that takes over you, although it can be a very struggling path, but when you do, you come out stronger, indestructible and happier. You discover your weakness and the methods to handle your weakness. You realise what rejection feels like and how you can handle with it. You become your own person, one who does not want to compromise or settle for anything that is lesser than your worth. You realise your worth and the love people have for you.
And thirdly, probably the last thing I would mention is all of the things I have talked about here are normal, daily things that everybody has talked about. There are blogs everyday that millions of people write on self-discovery, meaning of life, handling stress and everything under the sun. And I might not have anything new to say, or anything that hasn’t been said already but this is just an effort of expressing, sharing and maybe when I get your feedbacks(if I get any) for myself to learn more. What I have realised in my so called little lifetime that I have experienced, is even when you are being true to people, they do not believe you, they think that you are faking it, or probably would end up making fun of you or insulting you. And I would tell all of those people experiencing these things, that they do not have the power over you. The power of how people make you feel is within yourself. It is your choice how you react to what people say or do to you, or how you feel. I would suggest, never stop being yourself, being original. Feel everything deeply, live life fearlessly, love endlessly(no matter how many times you have been broken) and most importantly do not live in fear seeking for peoples acceptance, because honestly the people who really do value you, do not care and the people who do not value or accept you are simply not worth anything in your life. Keep looking into the true mirror, keep challenging yourself and rediscovering yourself(as change is inevitable and you keep evolving every now and then) be in touch with your innermost spirit and let it run wild. Being wild is the only good thing as you know, only greatness can handle the wild within you and the ones who cannot, are simply not worth losing your sleep for. And if people or the society does talk about you and says things about you, look at them directly and just smile. There is nothing much more toxic that could destroy or build a person than a smile. I hope to get back to writing regularly, maybe more about the things I have experienced and about my travelling and I hope this fire that has recently been reignited never runs out of fuel!! If you are reading this right now, whatever it is that you are going through, I know you have the power of getting over it and trust me, when you do, all of the other things that might not be in the right places in your lives would not matter to you. What would matter, would be being your truest self and the person you have discovered within you. I looked into the true mirror and found myself and this is how I am going to be with everybody, if you like it all the better for me and if you don’t, honestly darling do you think I care? Peace, Love and Light to all my beautiful people all around the world.
