The Year of 30

Yes, its the number that most people fear, and are petrified of, and yet it doesn't seem to go away. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, ignore it or just not pay attention; it eventually creeps behind us and finds us, as such is the way of life. The year of 30;when you hit puberty again, when your skin starts breaking out even though you thought you were past that phase, and when you notice your first grey and scream your lungs out!! Wait now; thats how people used to describe it a long time back. Today 30 is the new 20 and honestly there is nothing scary about it. There is so much more to do and the world is still your oyster, (if you choose to ignore the constant ranting of marriage proposals from your family and the society). 

When I look at my life right now, WOW!! it seems like 30 years have just gone by so fast, and I still sometimes (that time of the month when the hormones are high and I'm super sensitive), do not know what I am doing with it right now. But all the other times I feel great. Actually I feel 30, DIRTY AND FLIRTY!! We all feel like we have been through so much, seen so much, and survived so much that age becomes just a number and nothing more. But more specifically for women once they hit 30, its like everybody's eyes start noticing you. "what are your future plans?", when are you getting married?, you should get married, otherwise it will be difficult to have babies. I mean come on world, don't you think we think about these things too? and even if we don't why do you have to think of all these things for us? It ain't any of your goddamn business. I'm sorry if I sound rude...think again, actually i'm not sorry. Yes its not any of your business what we do with our life when we hit 30 and  we do not think we need to share our plans with all of you. You know the sad part is, the society specially the nepali society never celebrates any success of women as much as they celebrate the women getting married. I mean come on, you might win a big award, become a big CEO, get a huge scholarship, but still at the end of the day, people don't celebrate that, and they just ask you "bihe kaile garney? bela bhaena?"

It makes me think "Bela bhayo ki bhaena, malai bhanda besi mero samaj lai taha cha". What is it with nepali society and the statement that it is time you get married? I will get married at my own sweet time(THANK YOU VERY MUCH) and that is whenever I am ready, regardless of my age. I'm not saying I'm against marriage, I would like to get married one day, but the constant pressure the society puts on me, makes me want to not get married. And out of all the people, your friends(who you think should be your support system) can talk nothing except for how marriage is important and that you should get married soon. I mean come on!! you are my friends for god sakes, not my lecturers or not my granny!!

From traveling abroad, to moving out of the house, to facing a horrible breakup(breakups before were easier), to living in a different city where you don't know anyone or even the language, life has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride for me. And I'm actually glad that all through this, I had my family and my closest of friends who were always there. My support system, who thinks that even in my darkness, there is still some shine left. They are the ones who don't pressurize me to do things just coz its the way of the society. And trust me this has gotten me through my darkest of times. 

Truth be told, its not like I am a radical feminist who is against the idea of marriage or anything, although sometimes  I might come off as so. But there was a time when I was absolutely, madly in love with someone and all I wanted to do was get married and start a family. Too bad that din't work out; mainly coz the guy was a complete douchebag and an asshole who couldn't handle strong independent women. He did get married recently!! and I congratulated him(and guess what he took his wife to the honeymoon destination we had planned). I mean seriously? How pathetic can you be?  I have moved on completely and now I'm like lets just bygones be bygones. I forgive you for the pain you have caused me, and I will forget because you do not deserve any more energy and time of mine.  I now see that I was making a horrible mistake by keep going back to this guy, and I don't know why? I had lost my mind it seems. And boy oh boy, but I did dodge a huge fat ass of a bullet. I mean come on, we all deserve nothing but the best, and settling for something less than what you deserve only makes your life miserable. We all have our mistakes and our past, but the most important thing is that you pick yourself up, you take one step at a time and come back stronger. And we all have had our heartbreaks, our sad sob stories, times when we hit rock bottom, but they tell us about what we survived and make us better everyday. 

And so this is to all those who still believe in love even after having your heart broken many times, love only shines when there is no negativity, no jealousy and no insecurities. Be with the person who really makes you feel you, go past the materialistic checklists that you have in your mind, and just trust your gut. If it tells you something is wrong, don't keep quiet, don't let toxicity of a relationship make you bitter. Coz trust me, there is more to life than to be living in bitterness and the dark. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you owe them, or they owe you, it doesn't even mean that it might last forever or you might get married. But as long as you are with that person, give it your ultimate best, the kind of best that they know they will never get from someone else rather than you. And for all the women, it is time we start changing how the society looks at us, or perceives us. Marriage might or might not happen, but that shouldn't dull your shine!! After all life is too short for mediocre things. Make it bling, make it shine and make it big :) Love and Peace